The Pits

In high school, if something didn't work out or wasn't like we thought it should be, we would say, "That's the pits."  Does anyone say that anymore?  If not,  here's to bringing that saying back because life can be the pits. And here's to talking about the pits because our American culture sets us up to expect happiness and success.  So when things seem to be falling apart we have no idea what to do or where to turn. And worse, we feel like something is wrong with us as we look around  and see everyone else who seems to have it all together.

Hey, you're saying, I thought this was supposed to be a place with encouraging and inspiring thoughts. Right.

Life itself has its pits, as we all know.  It's those times when life doesn't  go like we anticipated, or thought  it would.  We feel lost, confused, let down, disoriented, maybe even hopeless. Uncomfortable.  That's a good way to describe how I feel during these times. Sometimes the pits last a few days, and at other times these seasons can go on and on for what seems like forever.  Or, maybe we went through the pits of life a few years back and thought we were "Done!"  only to find ourselves back in another pit years later.

Richard Rohr, OFM,  says this: "Don't be too afraid of being thrown into the pit."  My dad says it like this:  "What goes up must come down."  The Biblical pattern is clear.  There is no going up until you go down.  Joseph had to go down into the pit twice before he came into his destiny.  The examples of this pattern in scripture are numerous,  ending of course in the example of Jesus's death and resurrection.

If it's true that times of defeat, humiliation, failure, brokenness are part of life, then why do we try so hard to avoid them?  I suppose we each have to answer that for ourselves as the reasons come from our own dark side.  But what if we learned to not run from, fear, dread, or avoid the pits of life but learn to embrace them as they come our way?  Where we even learn to say, "This stinks, but through it I have the opportunity to become a better person  if I choose to."

The pits of life can be good for us.   It's during those times that God, if we allow it, meets us in profound ways. Not only do we learn things about God that we wouldn't otherwise see, but we learn things about ourselves. Corrie ten Boom and Victor Frankl are great examples to me of people who survived the Holocaust concentration camps and came out better people for their suffering.

Here are some things I've tried to live out during the pits of life, as a way of embracing these seasons:

• Be honest about where you are and how you feel.  
• Stop pretending that everything is alright.
• Stop lying to yourself that you should have it all together by now
• Stop comparing your journey to that of those around you.  Your journey is your journey.  Your journey is not their journey.
• Find a good friend to walk with you through this season, not one who has to fix you, but one who can ask thoughtful questions or just simply walk alongside.
• Bring all of the mixed up, confused, hurt, let down and whatever else feelings to God
• Ask for insight to see things within that can't be known during the happy and good times of life.  Believe me, the dark times have a way of exposing junk in us.
• Surrender to allowing your heart and inner self to be worked on
• And finally, hang on like crazy to the One who can begin to make sense out of the pits of life, even turning it into something good and beautiful in time.

Maybe you find yourself in a pit now and it seems there is no way out.  Know that one day you will be emancipated.  You will be free again.  And you will have become a better person for your experience in the pit.  In the meantime, just keep holding on like crazy.

3 Golden Nuggets

 "Many people die with their music still inside of them."  Well known author and physician Oliver Wendell Holmes made this statement over 150 years ago.

Her eyes are the window to a soul filled with treasures to share

Recently I wrote about how we each have been given one life to live, so let's live it the best we can, creatively making the most of every day.  But how do we do that?

Since then I came across some interesting research conducted among adults over the age of 65 who were post-retirement.  These retirees were asked one question, and it was this:  "If you could live your life over, what would you do differently?"

Anytime we can get a perspective on life from others who have lived and experienced things that we have not, it's, for us,  a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow.  I've come to realize that older adults offer a treasure of wisdom, insight and understanding that is beyond our reach simply because most of us haven't lived a span of 70 or 80 or even 90 years.

So when older people share insights from their unique vantage point and perspective, I listen.

The results of this study can help inform our lives, as younger people, if we so choose.    The top three sentiments expressed by the retirees were these:

Be More Reflective
The retirees said that they wished they had become less caught up in the day to day and taken more time to reflect on the bigger picture of life.  Reflection affords one the opportunity to step back and evaluate what is important and authentic.  Reflection allows us to evaluate whether we're living authentically and true to the call on our lives.

Take More Risks
If they had another opportunity at life, the retirees said that they would take more risks the second time around and not play it so safe.  I hear in that a willingness to fail more often, but to at least have tried something.

Live On Purpose
All of the retirees said that if they had their lives to do over again, they would want to pursue lives of purpose, of helping others, of  pursuing their passions and dreams. In essence, they wanted their lives to have mattered, to have made a difference in this world.

In fact, living with a sense of purpose is so critical to life, that other research has shown that a high percentage of persons who retire and do not find a meaningful involvement  somewhere will die within two years of retirement.  Death can be difficult as it is, but dying with "the music still inside of us" is even worse.

If you are reading this and happen to be in your 70s, 80s or 90s, would you offer your perspective on what you would do differently if you had a second chance at life?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!    Even if you're under 70,  I'd love to hear your thoughts as well.

One Life

What if all you had was $100 to feed a family of four for two weeks?  You could choose to spend that money however you wanted, but it's all you have for for food for the entire two weeks.

You could choose to go out to eat at a nice restaurant with that amount of money,  thinking you deserve it.  Yes, a break from cooking and cleaning up sounds really good. The kids would love you when you say, "Hey, get whatever you want on the menu!  There are no limits today!"   Chances are, you wouldn't have much left for the remainder of the 2 weeks. In the end, the wanton spending would leave you and your family impoverished and hungry.

Or you could carefully take stock of the resources you have, and  plan out how to make the most of the $100 over the 2 week period of time.  Your family would be thankful and happy with this choice, no doubt, as  there is enough to go around and no one goes hungry.  You would have creatively and  intentionally made the most of what you had.

Sometimes I think we approach life as though we have unlimited days.  It's easy to choose to spend our days how we want to, even wasting time if we choose to.  And when it comes to choices on how to spend our time, we have the luxury of choosing good over best because we can get to the best at some other time in life when we feel like it. Or, we might not even realize what is the best because we've been numbed by the illusion that we have an abundance of days and time.

As part of my job, I supervise students in an oncology clinical setting.  Oncology is where people with cancer are treated.  Occasionally, one of the patient's will open up about what he or she has learned from having cancer.  More often than not, the learnings and new perspective on life have to do with seeing in a new way the value of each day.  How each day is such a gift.  And with each day, learning to make the most of the things that are truly important in life.  With the diagnosis of cancer, each day, each moment, has become extraordinarily precious in part because time is now viewed in the context of a limited number of days. Most people, in that situation, choose to spend each day embracing what they view as most valuable and important.

I don't think we have to be struck with a terminal disease in order to learn to appreciate fully each day.  I do think a careful analysis of our life is required, taking time to evaluate what is important to us, and committing to pursuing those things wholeheartedly and intentionally.  I try, most days, to start the day with gratitude for a new day and a recognition that I need help from above in living this I've been given to the fullest.

Paul says it like this:  "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that.  Don't be impressed with yourself.  Don't compare yourself with others.  Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." (Galatians 6)

That's a lot of good wisdom and advice to live by. We've been given one life to live.  Let's make the most of each day, doing the creative best we can.  And may we each be blessed with an ability to see what truly matters.

10 Vital Habits for Success

Life's seemingly small acts can end up being life's greatest contributions. Especially, when  practiced over a lifetime and combined with a number of other seemingly small acts.  This is true on a personal level, as well as a collective level.

I came up with the following list several years ago to remind me of practices that, while they may seem rather small and insignificant in and of themselves, if carried out over a course of a lifetime would lead to a life of integrity and success. Vincent Van Gogh said, "Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together." 


Integrity is one of those attributes we don't hear much about.  I'm not even going to try to define it, but we all know when we meet a person with integrity.  The world is desperately  in need of people with integrity not only to provide leadership, but to be role models.

So here are 10 habits that if practiced over time would lead to a life of integrity.  Obviously, the list is not exhaustive and I'm sure you could come up with your own set of vital habits.

 Set goals for yourself, even little ones, and then reach them.
       This is being honest with yourself.
If you see something wrong, be a positive part of the solution.
      This is creative problem solving
If you want something to happen, make it happen.
      This is being proactive
Cultivate a genuine interest in others.
     This is being other-centered.
Go the extra mile instead of getting by with the littlest amount of time, energy and resources.
      This is excellence
Be generous and give freely.
     This is love
Always thank others if they have given to you in any way, no matter how small.
      This is gratitude.
Affirm others as you see them stepping out in new areas and taking on new challenges.
      This is encouragement that empowers.
Plan and organize yourself to keep scheduled appointments and commitments.
      This is being reliable.
Be on time.
      This is recognizing that the small stuff matters.

"A life lived with integrity, even if it lacks the trappings of fame and fortune, is a shining star in whose light others may follow in the years to come."  (Denis Waitley, author and speaker)

  

Embrace Inconvenience

If you want your life to matter, if you want to make a meaningful contribution, if you want to excel in your work,  or want to become a certain kind of person, prepare to embrace inconvenience.  We're becoming more programmed as a society to make choices based on convenience.  If something is easy, simple and less inter-ruptive, it's better and thus the logical choice.  If something requires more of us,  is costly or time consuming, then that option is less desirable and thus to be avoided.

The Power of Continuums

In one of the courses I teach, the students and I interact around the Illness-Wellness Continuum.  Basically, this model is intended to help someone determine if he or she is moving in the direction of Wellness or in the direction of Pre-Mature Death. The Illness-Wellness Continuum served as a wake up call for me a few years ago.   I have found what I call "Continuum Thinking" to be a very helpful tool in determining if I am moving in the right direction, or not.  A continuum is defined as, "anything that goes through a gradual transition from one condition, to a different condition, without any abrupt changes"

Here's how it can work:  decide what is important to you, and then determine what the opposite might be.  For example, on one end of the continuum you might identify "Financial Freedom" as the end goal.  What is the opposite of that?  "Debt" or "Foreclosure", as examples.  And then map a few indicators out on either side as points of evaluation to help you decide if you are moving towards Financial Freedom, or away from Financial Freedom.  Or, another example might be if you had a dream to  "Publish a Book".  You can ask yourself, "Am I  moving towards fulfilling that dream, or away from it?"  Every day you make choices.  You either move towards the things that matter, or you move away from the things that matter.

Today is my birthday.  It's always a good day for me to reflect and think about the overall trajectory of my life.  A question I am asking myself is: "Am I generally moving towards what's important to me, or away from those things?"

"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses....Oh, that you would choose life...!"  (God in Deut 30:19)

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.  ~Ellen Glasgow

I recall a couple of years ago feeling as though I was in a rut.  Let me tell you, it was awful.  The realization came over me as one day I was driving on a familiar street in my town and then it hit me.  Just like that. Suddenly  it occurred to me that I must have traveled down that road literally thousands of times.  Same old houses, same old view, same old route. I could probably drive that route in my sleep.  I wondered if part of me was dying and I didn't even know it, because I've always thought that familiarity can numb our souls if we're not careful.

At times the news features someone with an ordinary job who turns it into something extraordinary, like the dancing traffic cop, for example.Most of us love those stories and maybe we even secretly wish we had the courage to mix it up.  You know, make the routines of life into something not so routine. I wonder if the traffic cop dances to keep his  soul alive as much as anything.

How many times have you been through a check out line at the store and the clerk functions like the walking dead?  Or the lady at the toll booth who takes your coins without an ounce of personal connection or soul.  Routine is part of life.  But routine doesn't need to become a rut and neither does it have to kill us.

Here are some ways to avoid ruts in life:

• Volunteer somewhere 
• Spend time with people who are different than yourself
• Plan regular trips out of your town or state or even country if you can
• Drive, walk or bike different routes to work or school just because you can.  
• Start something new and push yourself to stay with it
• Read a different kind of book than you usually prefer
• Figure out how to turn the ordinary aspects of your job into something extraordinary
• Pay attention to the people around you and do something to let them know you see them and notice them.
• Listen to a variety of music
• Check your heart often to see if you're just going through the motions in any way.
• If you discover you are going through the motions, then do something to get out of that rut.
• Take regular personal retreats

How about you? What have you intentionally done to avoid being in a rut?

Change Your Mind and Change Your Life

I have a single friend in her 40's who would love to be married. Her name is Susie Lambright. Rather than waiting around for the right guy to come along Susie has decided to live her life fully.  She now lives half way around the world in an exotic, far away country.  As part of embracing her stage of life and the unique opportunities being single can afford, she travels and goes places she probably wouldn't  if she were married with kids. In changing her mind, she changed her life. She used to think, "What I want most in life is to be married."  Now she thinks, "I want nothing more than to be used to make a difference and to live out my life fully wherever that takes me."  Holocaust concentration camp survivor Victor Frankl said, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." 


Sure, things haven't turned out like my friend thought they would by now, but her life is far better  than if she would have staunchly held to her belief that she had to be married to be happy .  And, for the record, my friend is having a phenomenal impact.

You are more powerful than you realize.  The power to accomplish things you never thought possible lies within your own mind and thinking. Unfortunately, many of us get stuck in certain, self-limiting ways of thinking and therefore never fully move into what we are capable of.  We think....

I will always be fat.
Even though I'm miserable in my job, I can't quit because I would lose too much.
My kids don't like me and that's their problem, not mine.
I'm not the type to ever accomplish anything important in life.
If only I were married (or richer, or lived somewhere else, or smarter) I would be happy.

And on it goes, the lies we tell ourselves. In every one of those examples, there are choices to be made,  a mind that can be changed, a new and better future to experience.

What is it you want? How might a change of mind begin to move you towards that desire?

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

Convenience vs. Inconvenience

America is known for values such as independence, hard work, ingenuity, freedom, and opportunity just to name a few.  However, a value that I don't see showing up on lists of American values is convenience. I researched several reliable sites that try to identify American values and not once did I see this value on a list.  But I see it lived out everywhere, everyday.  It's as though its one of our top, but most unnamed values as a country. Even most new innovation, it seems, moves us towards more convenience in one way or the other. I appreciate the conveniences of our society as much as the next person, but yet I think there are times that we have to choose inconvenience for our own good.

This is NOT a picture of me and my cousins!  

When I was a kid, a relative had one of these machines with an attached belt that you put around your hips and then it shook the living daylights out of your butt and belly.  Supposedly, this was going to help everyone lose a lot of weight.  How convenient.  At any rate, my cousins and I all thought it was great fun.

Some things should be more convenient (like doing laundry, for example).  But doesn't it seem like the things that matter most are usually inconvenient?  Here are some things that are inconvenient for me:

• Having to clear up and work through a hurtful misunderstanding.
• Taking time every day for reflection, prayer, listening, writing and exercise
• Loving people (is it just me or is this usually inconvenient?)
• Making meals from scratch or at least avoiding frozen, highly processed foods
• Driving 45 minutes one way each week to attend church
• Creating a clean and orderly environment to work and live in

There'd be many more of course and I'm sure you can identify your own inconveniences.  I guess we choose inconvenience over convenience when we are clear on the "why" we do something.  I'm thinking that learning to embrace inconveniences may help us all to become the people we are meant to be.  So this year, here's to all of  us choosing our inconveniences wisely and embracing them wholeheartedly in order to grow and become all we can be!

Resistance, Part 2

For quite a long time I have believed that women can use their gifts of leadership and teaching in whatever capacity God calls them to in the church.  I realize we don't all see eye to eye on that and I respect the position of others who feel differently as long as it comes from an honest examination of Scriptures. However, when I was invited to step into the lead pastor role at the church we belonged to, I recall how immediate the  resistance was that came rushing to the surface of my mind from way down deep inside of me somewhere.  It sounded like this: "Can God do that? Call me, a woman, to lead a church?  Is that really allowed?  I can't possibly say 'yes'...what will people think of me?"

That's called a crisis of belief!  What I had said I believed was suddenly being challenged by the resistance from within that came, in part, to ways that I had been conditioned by my upbringing, previous experiences and the messages that I had internalized more than I realized that said, "Women can't do that."

Sometimes the resistance we feel is a clue that there is more work to be done in terms of owning our beliefs, convictions, and sense of call. More work to be done recognizing the subtle and not so subtle ways we've been conditioned to think that then influence our decisions in life more than we realize.  I believe this matters if we are to live out, the best we can, who God has made us to be and what God has for us to do.

The resistance I have had to work through won't look like the resistance you face.  But my hope is that we can be a people who recognize the resistance, name it for what it is, face it and overcome it that we may live lives that are true to who God made us to be.

Leave Deeply Missed

This morning I happened to catch the last part of the Today show, just in time to see the farewell for  Meredith Vieira on her last day with the show.  It was very moving and inspiring for me.  Clearly,  she was well loved by many.  The kind, honoring and loving words spoken of and to her indicated a deep appreciation for who she is and what she brought to the show.  Behind the scenes, she worked hard, was committed, showed up every day (at 2:30 AM no less!)  fully present and ready to engage, and to bring all that she was to the table, so to speak.  She gave it her best and she gave all she could for the 5 years she was there.

It's a great reminder that whatever sphere we are given in life, give it the best. Whether that sphere is a family, a job, a calling, a place to volunteer- it doesn't really matter- just show up fully alive, present and ready to give our all.  Most of us won't achieve celebrity status in the spheres we serve, but we can, at the end of the day, know that we lived and loved in a way that deeply touched and impacted the lives of those around us.  And hopefully when we leave for the last time, it will be evident that we lived, loved and served in such a way that we will  be deeply missed.

The Way Up is Down

Down on your knees, that is.

Any time there's a "but" in a great story, I try to pay attention.  Often the real point, or rest of the story, or the story behind the story, is found in the part after the "but".

"Yet despite Jesus's instructions, the report of his power spread even faster, and vast crowds came to hear him preach and to be healed of their diseases.  But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer." (emphasis added)

At the intersection of the contrast is the phrase "But Jesus..."  Just before that phrase, I get the picture of someone with great influence, crowd appeal, who has become quite popular and is drawing huge crowds.  A celebrity, if you will. But Jesus.....  appears to not be the least impressed with all that attention, fame and recognition. The vast crowds are not the main thing for him.  The popularity, the attention, the celebrity status... simply not it.  But Jesus... withdrew to a quiet place and prayed.  There's the main thing, the story behind the story.  That's the real deal.  The relationship that Jesus has with the Father.  Its as if the vast crowds and all that came with it are really quite peripheral to the main thing that Jesus was about; his relationship with the Father.

In a present day culture that places a huge value on celebrity status, I am super challenged by what I see here.  Believe me when I tell you that I can be prone to pursuing "the thing"... the thing that will gain status, recognition, leave my mark in the world. Isn't that  the message we are bombarded with day in and day out?  How quickly the main pursuit can become misguided.  This scripture tugs at my heart and says, "here's the way it works". Yes, its counter cultural. The world says go after it, make it happen, make your mark!   But Jesus's way models to me that whatever comes out my life, in God's way of things, it comes out of the correct center.  And whether anything comes comes out of my life or not really isn't even my deal.  My deal is to stay centered, keeping the main thing the main thing.  From there is the way up into all that God has for our lives.

There is so much to do and to be about today. But today, like Jesus,  may we each make time to get down on our knees.